Have you ever had the experience of awakening to a hard truth about yourself? Something that you’d hidden from your own eyes? Some story that you’d been telling yourself and thoroughly convinced yourself was true? Well…I had one of those experiences today. Actually the realization had been brewing in my life for a while and with the help of a dear friend and mentor I finally saw it. It’s not the first time it’s happened nor will it be the last, it was just really humbling and saddening too. Below is the poem that I wrote tonight that came out of that experience. It’s not one of my finer pieces but it’s real, it’s fresh, it comes from an honest place and that’s what poetry is to me, honesty.
I can’t sleep these days,
It’s like the train of my mind won’t stop.
The conductor that was me has lost control and I don’t know anymore.
My spirit is like a caged animal, pacing the confines of my mind.
Let me out I say, let me go, I long for freedom and I don’t know how to find it.
I run the same track over and over again and nothing changes.
I cry the same tears, weep the same stories, bang my head against reality and I bleed.
Because nothing is strong enough to change what it is.
Not me, not my will, not my mind, and most definitely not the stories I have told myself over and over again.
I thought that if I grabbed hold of the right story at the right time it would save me.
The right man,
The right job,
The right apartment,
The right city,
The right love story,
The right life story.
And it’s all still story, it’s not the living, breathing, being story of each moment…instead it’s the mind constructed, heart constricted, story of how my human experience is supposed to go.
And it’s all bullshit. I call bullshit on myself.
So tell me how do you rewrite a story that’s stuck?
How do you change tracks?
How do you change your breath?
How do you change your beliefs?
How do you begin to live life on life’s terms?
Tell me please, I’m aching to let go and yet I don’t know how not to hold on.
I need something different, I long for something alive and fresh; not the old, worn out constructs of my former selves.
I want to live in the moment, free and easy, like the wind that doesn’t need to know when change is coming, it just finds it.