Groundless, weightless, and reveling in solitude…this is how I feel this evening. I recently returned from a sojourn of sorts. I travelled to my home state of Florida and saw old friends and old loves, people that are still my friends, who still know me, who still love me after all these years and it’s remarkable. Really, it is. It’s remarkable to know that someone who you have known for a decade or two is still there and in being with them you find yourself again. However, I am home now and everything seems distorted, as though my life is a purse and someone has turned it upside down and scattered the contents of it all over the floor, and I’m exhausted from the looking at it and trying to ascertain what goes where. So let me drop it for a little while…this pursuit of self. Let me just hold the space of inquiry, the heart full of questions and see what happens…care to join me?
I don’t know how to do this, how to watch my soul unfurl and allow life rush in to it.
I don’t know how to be soft, how to ask, how to bend, how to sway.
It’s been too long since I have been greeting the world with harsh edges and cold fronts.
And I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of the heartache, the drama, the wondering, the walls, the masks, but most of all, I am tired of trying.
Of trying to tell a story, a story of self that I don’t know how to write.
My soul is weary with the wanting of something more and of not knowing how to get it.
I am weary of the planning, the hoping, and the working; it’s all so exhausting!
Because in the end, life will have it’s way with you.
It’s about time I started surrendering, started letting go of everything I thought I wanted and everything I thought that I was. None of it matters. None of it means anything.
This life, this identity, this will, it isn’t only mine to have or do or create with.
My destiny is bigger than all of that.
There’s something more, waiting to be found, something beyond what my mind can conceive of.
So my fervent prayer is that it will find me, whatever it is…